The holidays can often mean pressure and expectations to spend time with family. For some people, this is no problem and perhaps family time is looked forward to and enjoyed. For others, however, it’s more complicated.

Families can activate a lot and, for some people, being with family can be uncomfortable, anxiety-provoking, or upsetting. If you anticipate experiencing challenges related to family time at the holidays this year, keep reading for some insight on why time with family can be so difficult and how you can effectively take care of yourself through it.

Why Is Family Time So Hard?

Though there are innumerable reasons why spending time with family can be challenging, some common themes I hear from clients in my practice include:

• Differing beliefs and values. You have different political, social, or religious beliefs/values than some (or even all) of your family members. This reality leads to tense, contentious, or confrontational interactions, or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, can leave you feeling like you have nothing to talk about because so many topics are off limits.

• Being seen/treated as the child you were rather than the adult you are. Family members are stuck on a version of you that you have grown beyond. They may still treat you like a child, bring up your past mistakes, or not take your thoughts/pursuits in the present seriously. You feel minimized or unseen as a result.

• Unresolved childhood trauma. You experienced trauma in your childhood that has not been acknowledged, validated, or healed. Being around family, particularly when they were directly or indirectly involved in the wrongs you experienced, can reopen old wounds.

• You can’t be you. Your family does not understand, acknowledge, accept, or uplift some aspect of who you are, like your gender identity, sexual orientation, or body size. Or your family does not agree with decisions you are making about how you live your life. Your choices around work, romantic partners, whether you want children or not, and more are judged, challenged, or discounted. These experiences may make you feel like you have to hide or downplay parts of yourself/your life.

How these themes play out in practice is unique to the dynamics of a particular family. The bottom line, however, is that time with family sometimes just doesn’t feel good.

How to Practice Self-Care

Before Family Time

First, it is worth asking yourself if you really need to see/spend time with family if doing so is a source of challenging emotions for you. Though other people or tradition may make you feel obligated, you are allowed to decide for yourself how and with whom you spend the holidays.

If you do decide to see family, think about logistical aspects that could make the time easier on you. How long do you want to stay? Often shorter is better. If you are traveling - Do you want to stay at a hotel rather than in your family home? Would getting a rental car so you are able to take time away be helpful? Try to allow yourself to make your plans based around what would help you to feel most comfortable.

During Family Time

There are many ways to practice self-care during time with family, and what feels possible, safe, and helpful will depend on your individual circumstances. Some ideas to consider include:

• Maintain elements of your normal routine. For example, if you usually take a walk every morning, try to keep up this ritual while visiting family.

• Set boundaries around conversations that make you uncomfortable or are upsetting. These boundaries can be communicated directly, such as by you stating, “I don’t want to talk about this,” or indirectly, such as by you leaving the room or changing the subject.

• Aim for activities. Sometimes it is easier to be around family members when you are engaged in an activity that gives you something to focus on other than each other/conversation. Examples could include watching a moving, baking or cooking, playing a boardgame, or doing some kind of sport you all like.

• Take breaks. Don’t push yourself to spend too much consecutive time with family, especially if you can tell that you are feeling tense. Taking regular breaks to decompress can keep family time from becoming overwhelming. These breaks can be short, like a leisurely-paced bathroom break, or long, like by going to bed early, running an errand, or interspersing friend time with family time.

After Family Time

Make a point to check-in with yourself once you are back in your own space. How are you doing? How was that experience for you? Though we can’t control what we do and don’t get from family members, we do control what we give ourselves. Try to give yourself kindness and validation around whatever came up for you or was hard while with your family.

Working through Residual Effects

Sometimes spending time with family brings up pain or struggles that do not fade away on their own. If this is your experience, therapy can give you space to process and be a beautiful way to learn to be there for yourself regardless of what other people in your life can and can’t offer. Contact me today to get started.