WHY CAN’T I RELAX?

The holidays are upon us. Many people have time off work, some go on vacation, and a lot of us have traditions or activities we enjoy this time of year. These seem like the perfect conditions for some rest and relaxation, right? Well, not necessarily.

A lot of us find that when life slows down and we could potentially relax, it is hard to actually do so. Why is this, and what can you do to help yourself meaningfully relax this season and beyond? Keep reading for some common reasons why people find genuine relaxation to be difficult to reach and some ideas on what you can try if any of these struggles sound familiar.

Challenge: You feel like you “should” be doing something else.

Many of us have internalized ideas about what does and does not qualify as using time well. Often, these ideas are learned in childhood. For instance, did you have parents who made negative comments or suggested that you should be doing something different if they saw you laying on the couch? Experiences like these convey the message that it is wrong or a waste of time to just let yourself be.

People who have taken on these ideas tend toward activities they perceive as goal-oriented and productive. When they slow down or do something just for the sake of doing it, they can experience discomfort, guilt, or even shame and be plagued by thoughts of all the “better” ways they could be using their time. They then tend to make themselves busy again in response to these thoughts/feelings.

Potential solution: Start small.

Try beginning with 5-10 minutes a day and building up your tolerance for letting yourself relax gradually once short intervals become easier. When negative thoughts arise while trying to relax or do something just because it’s enjoyable, simply acknowledge that this is hard for you AND that you aren’t doing anything wrong, then try to refocus on the moment.

Challenge: You don’t know how.

A lot of us never learned to relax. The reasons for why this could be are many and include things like being over-scheduled as a kid, being hyper-focused on achievement as it was the way you got attention or praise, or having to start working at a young age to help support your family or pay your way through school.

Getting to relax is a luxury, and it’s one that a lot of us just didn’t get in our younger years. The result might be that, when you try to relax now, you truly don’t know how to do it or what activities you find to be relaxing. This experience can lead to frustration and giving up.

Potential solution: Experiment.

Make a list of activities you could try that might be relaxing or fun (ask other people in your life what they do or turn to the internet if you need ideas). Then, try each activity a few times and pay attention to how you feel. Did you enjoy yourself? Were you mostly present? Did anything shift positively physically or emotionally? If yes, great! If not, no problem. You can simply move on to the next idea on your list and keep trying until you find some things that do it for you.

Challenge: Uncomfortable thoughts/emotions come up when you’re not making yourself busy.

Whether we realize it or not, for many of us busyness and activity are learned coping behaviors. They help us to keep painful or unwanted thoughts and emotions at bay. When this is the case, slowing down to try to relax means that whatever thoughts or emotions we have been trying to avoid come back up.

If we haven’t learned how to sit with inner experiences that are difficult, we often resort to making ourselves busy again as a way to quiet them back down. Our brains then get the message that staying busy is necessary to keep ourselves safe, which discourages or makes impossible future attempts at relaxation.

Potential solution: Mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness teaches us to simply observe our thoughts and emotions without judging or attaching to them. Through regular mindfulness practice, we can learn to recognize that thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings and to build our muscle for tolerating a full range of them. See here for a guided meditation to help you get started.

Challenge: You have an anxiety disorder.

Our autonomic nervous systems have two branches: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activating; it turns on processes that help ensure our survival and safety in response to stress or threat. Our “fight or flight” response lives in the sympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system does the opposite. It deactivates bodily processes so that we can enter “rest and digest” mode.

Anxiety disorders keep us in a state of sympathetic activation. It can be very difficult for people with anxiety disorders to transition into a parasympathetic state, which is what is needed in order to truly relax. Some research even shows that trying to enter a parasympathetic state through relaxation exercises can paradoxically heighten anxiety for people with anxiety disorders.

Potential solution: Therapy.

Anxiety therapy is proven to be effective at easing the symptoms of anxiety. Not only will you get relief from the discomfort of anxiety with successful treatment, you will also enhance your ability to relax and actually enjoy life.

still struggling?

It might feel like we shouldn’t have to learn how to do something as basic as relaxing, but for so many of us this is a skill that doesn’t come naturally. If you have been trying to work at this on your own and not seeing the progress you would like, contact me today to learn more about how therapy can help you gain what you need to be able to enjoy life in the ways you want and deserve.