UNDERSTANDING & COPING WITH TRAUMA ANNIVERSARIES
There is a pattern I have seen play out a number of times in my work supporting clients in healing from trauma. It goes as follows:
A person does the brave, hard work of addressing their trauma in therapy. Over time, they start to feel better and notice that the symptoms they were experiencing related to their trauma significantly decrease or go away altogether. Then, some kind of significant anniversary approaches and symptoms return. The person feels confused, frustrated, or dismayed. Having thought they were “done” with the trauma, they are upset to find themselves affected or bothered by it again.
What gives here? What are trauma anniversaries and why do they matter? Are they avoidable? And how can we take care of ourselves through them? Keep reading to find out.
What are Trauma Anniversaries and Why Do They Have an Impact?
A trauma anniversary is a significant date associated with a past traumatic experience. It could be the date on which the actual trauma happened, such as the date a sexual assault, death of a loved one, or major accident occurred. It could also be a date with an indirect connection to a person’s trauma, such as Mother’s Day if a person experienced childhood abuse at the hands of their mother.
As the VA describes, when a person experiences trauma the brain records environmental cues present at the time of the trauma, which includes dates. When a person is later exposed to those same cues, distress can be the result. Anniversary-related distress can be experienced in a number of ways, including an increase in thoughts or memories related to the trauma, sadness, anxiety, sleep interruptions or nightmares, irritability, restlessness, and more.
Experiencing some return of symptoms or distress around anniversary dates can also reflect the continuation of a normal and healthy grieving process. Dates can serve as reminders of what was lost or never had in the first place, such as an important person in one’s life, a carefree childhood, or the ability to easily trust others. Though it might not feel pleasant to be emotionally affected in response to an anniversary, it can offer an opportunity to honor what you have experienced/lost and to acknowledge how you have persisted in the face of difficulty.
Effective trauma treatment lessens the distress associated with these cues, but that doesn’t always mean that it is eliminated altogether. A person may still notice some reactions coming up in the lead up to and/or on an actual anniversary date. Research is still lacking on concrete numbers of people who experience anniversary reactions, but anecdotal evidence suggests that it is fairly common.
How to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Trauma anniversaries are not guaranteed to be difficult, and for some people they can be. You likely won’t know how you will feel around an anniversary until it approaches or arrives, and your feelings or reactions may or may not change the more time that passes. Any experience is normal and okay! If you do find you experience distress or a return/amplification of symptoms shortly before or on a trauma anniversary, below are some suggestions for how to effectively take care of yourself until it passes.
Be mindful of feelings about your feelings. For many who experience distress or other emotional shifts in response to trauma anniversaries, it can bring up feelings of frustration, impatience, or even anger with themselves for not being “over it.” The issue with this is that it paradoxically just tends to heighten the distress. Now you are dealing not only with the feelings themselves but also with the discomfort of pressuring yourself to not feel the way you do.
Try practicing acceptance and self-validation instead. Whatever emotions or reactions you might experience are okay and understandable. Rather than fight them, try to acknowledge them, give them space to be there, and accept that this is how you feel, though you may not like it. If you can offer yourself validation around your experiences, even better. Some simple phrases could include “It’s okay to feel this way/be affected” or “You’ve been through something hard.”
Have a plan. If you are unsure how a trauma anniversary may affect you, creating a self-care plan ahead of time can be helpful. This plan could include whatever feels appropriate to you. Examples might be taking a day off work, identifying activities to engage in that would be calming/grounding, asking loved ones to check in on you or spend time with you so you’re not alone, or engaging in some kind of ritual that commemorates the trauma or your strength/resilience in getting through it.
Consider going to/revisiting therapy. If you have never been to therapy to address your trauma, doing so will likely lessen its impact on your life both around anniversaries and more generally. EMDR therapy in particular can promote healing and diminish sensitivity or reactivity to trauma-related cues, including anniversary dates. If you have been to therapy and feel like you’re in a good place overall, don’t hesitate to go back for a few sessions if particular times of year remain challenging for you.
If you have experienced trauma, know that it does not define you and that it does not have to have a major negative impact on your life in the present. At the same time, our experiences do affect us, and it is okay if you still feel the effects of your trauma from time to time. Whether you are wanting to address your trauma for the first time or could just use a little extra support dealing with its residual manifestations in your daily life, contact me today if you would like to learn more about how I can help.
