Anxiety can manifest in many sneaky ways, one of which is through control. Efforts to control are often unconscious or unintentional but can have real impacts on our mental wellbeing and relationships. Keep reading to learn more about the link between anxiety and control and what you can try instead if your efforts to control are taking their toll.

How Anxiety Can Be Expressed as Control

Anxiety is fed by unknowns. The more uncertainty or unknowns there are in our lives, the more opportunities exist for us to jump to catastrophic conclusions about what could or might happen.

Attempts to control ourselves, other people, or our environments can be understood as efforts to minimize the number of unknowns that we have to contend with day to day and any potential anxiety that might accompany these. The underlying idea is that if we know what to expect or if things are exactly the way that we want them to be, then we will feel at peace internally.

What does this look like in practice? Some examples are:

• Maintaining the same routine every day. Feeling upset, frustrated, or unbalanced if you have to deviate from your routine.

• Dictating what people close to you can or cannot do. For instance, only allowing your partner to hang out with certain friends or in certain social contexts to minimize anxiety you feel about them cheating on you or meeting someone who they think is better than you.

• Taking the lead on work or other projects. Feeling like you have to do everything yourself or micromanage others because you don’t trust that things will get done otherwise.

• Requiring that your physical environment be set up in a specific way. For instance, demanding a certain level of cleanliness or not allowing loud noises in your space. Feeling frustrated with or put out by others if they do not comply with your preferences.

While most of us have likely done or felt some form of the above examples from time to time, if these are consistent patterns then there is an opportunity to reflect on what might be driving them and whether they are serving you.

The Costs of Control

Why does any of this matter? The reality is that patterns of control tend to have a high cost for the individual and for their relationships.

Attempts to control are, at their core, futile. Most of what unfolds in our lives is beyond our control. Remaining in struggle with this reality is costly in terms of our time and energies with little payoff.

In attempting to control, we are also giving away our power. We are making our wellbeing and peace dependent on external circumstance rather than cultivating these within. Seeing control as necessary to keep our anxiety in check also serves to perpetuate our anxiety. Since we can never control everything, there will always be ample triggers for our anxiety. Accepting that we can’t control, on the other hand, allows us to do more meaningful internal work to soothe our anxiety when it is activated thereby creating the possibility that we might actually experience less anxiety over time.  

Lastly, efforts at control tend to wear on our relationships. Most people resent being told what to do or how to do it. They feel untrusted and as though their needs and preferences do not matter. Over time, this can erode relationship satisfaction and potentially lead to relationships ending.

Learning to Let Go

If any of the above has resonated with you, take a deep breath and offer yourself some grace. As I mentioned above, attempts to control are generally not intentional or malicious. You are certainly not a bad person if you have tried to control.

If you are recognizing, however, that anxiety might be stepping into the driver’s seat and manifesting as controlling behavior more often than you would like, you can start paying attention and getting curious. Notice when you feel like things need to be a certain way, and gently ask yourself why. What does it feel like will happen if they are not that way? Could you survive that? Validate the fear or anxiety that underlie the behavior while also offering yourself some comforting words to help calm the anxiety at its root. Examples could include:

• I will be okay.

• I can handle this.

• Whatever happens, I have my own back. I won’t abandon myself.

Remember overall that the solution is internal, not external. We do not need to try to control ourselves, other people, or our environment to feel safer. We do need to understand and work to accept that very little is in our control, that this is scary, and that we can learn to live peacefully, fully, and meaningfully alongside this truth.

This is hard work to do alone, and anxiety therapy can be a powerful tool in helping you make changes that support your wellbeing and happiness. Contact me today if you would like to learn more about how I can support you in this work.