SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE A PEOPLE PLEASER

A people pleaser is defined as, “a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of their own needs or desires.” Engaging in occasional people pleasing behavior is not a problem. It likely indicates that you are thoughtful, caring, or attentive to other people’s needs and feelings. Consistent or frequent people pleasing, however, can be a major obstacle to living an authentic and fulfilling life. Do you wonder if you might be falling into unhelpful people pleasing patterns? Keep reading to find out.

How People Pleasing Manifests

People pleasing can show up in a number of different ways, some subtle and some more overt. Common examples include:

• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. You want the people around you to be happy, and you take it as a personal failing if they are not. You make it your duty to “fix” whatever is causing the unhappiness, even if it has nothing to do with you.

• Overcommitting. You struggle to say “no” when other people make requests of you. As a result, you tend to end up with too many professional or personal obligations and can feel overwhelmed trying to meet them all.

• Shifting your personality to match with those around you. We all change which parts of ourselves we bring forward in different contexts/relationships, and there is nothing problematic about this. If you find, however, that who you are from one situation to the next varies dramatically based off what you think will make you most likeable to whomever is in front of you, then you are likely people pleasing.

• Not voicing your opinions, emotions, or needs. You tend to keep things to yourself, even if it costs you to do so. You may also find yourself agreeing outwardly with things other people say, even if internally you disagree. Not expressing yourself is generally out of a desire to avoid conflict or to maintain another person’s acceptance and approval.

• Not being able to tolerate people being upset with you. You find it to be deeply uncomfortable or even unbearable for other people to be upset with you or for something to feel off in any relationship. You feel pressure to resolve things as quickly as possible, which can sometimes result in you over-apologizing or taking responsibility for things that aren’t really your fault or within your control.

Where Does People Pleasing Come From?

If any of the above rang true for you, you are not alone. People pleasing is very common, and also able to be addressed. Before we work to change it, however, it can be helpful to understand where this behavior is coming from and what it reflects about our needs.

For some, people pleasing can stem from low self-worth. A person may feel undeserving of putting themselves first, having boundaries, or taking up space in relationships, and therefore they defer to prioritizing other people regardless of the toll to themselves. Making other people happy or being needed by others can also be ways of trying to gain some self-esteem.

For others, people pleasing may have developed in response to childhood experience. A person may have learned in their early years that they needed to cater to other people or try to keep others happy or calm as a means to maintain their own physical or emotional safety. These behaviors continue into adulthood because on some level it still feels like something bad could happen if a person starts asserting themselves more.

Or, a person might have been raised to believe that being a good or kind person means always putting other people first. They learn to associate prioritizing themselves with selfishness, and therefore avoid doing so.

People pleasing can further be a manifestation of an anxious attachment style. Individuals with anxious attachment styles tend to strongly fear abandonment or rejection. These fears can lead to people pleasing behaviors as a means to maintain connection and to minimize the possibility of someone leaving.

Whatever your individual circumstances, know that people pleasing behavior developed for a reason. It likely served you well and helped you feel safer at some point in your life, and we can be grateful to it for that. It’s often the case though that these patterns of behavior outgrow their usefulness. If this feels true for you, I offer some ideas about what you can do to start making helpful shifts below. 

What You Can Do  

Reducing people pleasing behavior can help you get more out of your life and relationships. Try to start by just bringing awareness to patterns and having curiosity about where they stem from. Asking yourself what it feels like will happen if you don’t engage in the people pleasing behavior can give you good information about your root fears.

Once you have greater awareness, you can try to start making small changes. Experiment with things like saying “no,” expressing an opinion or preference of your own, or just offering to listen if someone is having a hard time rather than take ownership of their emotion and try to fix it. Start with situations that feel low stakes and gradually work your way up to ones that feel more challenging.

Notice as you go what happens when you don’t people please. Is the result as bad as you thought it would be? Often we overestimate how much people will care, and it can be helpful to note when we are proven wrong. This evidence to the contrary will help modify deeply held beliefs that are not serving you over time.

Last, use therapy as a resource if you are getting stuck. It may be helpful to address past traumas or do some work to heal your relationship with yourself before trying to make behavior changes. Interested in learning more about how I can support you in this work? Contact me today to get started.