DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE TO HEAL?
Many of the traumas that I help clients process involve a perpetrator; a specific person or persons who inflicted the traumatic harm. A question I frequently get in these cases is whether it is necessary to forgive the perpetrator in order to heal and move forward from the trauma. Below, I explore the nuances of this question and offer some thoughts to help you arrive at your own conclusion.
What Does It Actually Mean to Forgive?
When I think of forgiveness, the first thing that comes to mind is the script we tend to teach children that goes something like this: Say sorry if you hurt someone, and, if someone tells you they are sorry, say you forgive them. A valuable life lesson? In my opinion, not exactly.
This script implies that, so long as someone apologizes, we owe them forgiveness. If we don’t feel right granting immediate forgiveness, then we can be made to feel as though we are being mean, ungenerous, or holding onto a grudge. Further, this approach oversimplifies forgiveness, making it seem like a one-time action that is complete once we have uttered the magic words. Lastly, saying “I forgive you” in this prompted way can feel akin to telling someone that their actions were okay or not a big deal.
In the aftermath of trauma, it is important that the individual who was harmed feels empowered to prioritize their needs and in control of what happens next. In this spirit, I believe it is no one’s place but the survivors to say whether work toward forgiveness will be a part of their healing process or not. If there is a draw toward forgiveness work, I want the survivor to be the one to define what forgiveness means and looks like for them. There are no right or wrong answers here, though I generally have people check-in with themselves on the following points:
Who is this for? Forgiveness should be for you. I only recommend clients who have experienced trauma engage in forgiveness work as a means to reclaim the energy and space that holding onto anger, pain, resentment, or other strong emotions toward a perpetrator depletes. You do not owe forgiveness to someone who has harmed you nor does this work obligate you to ever communicate your forgiveness to that person.
Am I equating forgiveness with no longer having feelings about what happened? I see the assumption often made that, if one has forgiven, they will no longer feel hurt, anger, fear, disappointment, etc. about what happened or toward the person responsible. This is not a fair or realistic expectation of oneself. You can forgive in personally meaningful ways, and you still may feel things related to the trauma from time to time.
What does it look like to practice forgiveness? If not the model we were taught as children to just say “I forgive you,” then what, really, does it look like to work toward forgiveness? The possible answers to this are many and should be tailored to the individual. Is it through an artistic outlet, writing, climbing a mountain and screaming at the top, a movement practice like yoga, a daily meditation? Working with a therapist can help you clarify what you need out of a forgiveness practice for it to feel authentic and healing.
So, is it necessary?
In short, this therapist’s answer is no. Again, if you find the idea of working toward forgiveness to be worthwhile because it aligns with your values or perspective on life, fantastic. I would support an individual who feels this way in developing their own personally meaningful forgiveness practice.
I will also note that, in the course of doing EMDR work with clients, I have witnessed on many occasions forgiveness start to emerge spontaneously as an individual reprocesses their trauma. I have seen clients naturally move toward feeling compassion or understanding toward those who have hurt them because they connect with the reality that most people who harm others have been harmed themselves.
If this happens, lovely. But again, I don’t believe it is required if an individual is to move forward from their trauma. I once had a client ask me after completing EMDR therapy if it was okay if she still hated her perpetrator. My response? Absolutely.
Is it ever okay for someone to ask you for your forgiveness?
A final note. I have worked with clients who have been asked by their perpetrators for forgiveness. This experience can be confusing and distressing. I try to simplify it: I don’t think it is ever appropriate to ask someone for their forgiveness.
We ask for forgiveness as a means to help ourselves feel better. If a person we have done harm to forgives us, then we no longer have to feel guilt or shame about our actions. It is not the job of the person who has been harmed, however, to regulate the emotions of the person who harmed them. Meaningful accountability and reparation mean taking ownership of our own emotions and not putting the onus on others to help us feel better.
On the whole, there are many paths to healing trauma. Forgiveness work might factor into some survivors’ healing journeys and not into others. You are the one who gets to decide what you need.
