I should exercise today.

I shouldn’t eat that.

I should clean my house.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

I should be working harder.

Do any of the above sound familiar? How many times a day do you have thoughts or make statements that start with the words “I should” or “I shouldn’t?” For most of us, the answer is quite a few. And if we take a moment to check-in with how we are feeling after “shoulding” ourselves, the answer is generally something like guilty, inadequate, or inferior. Frankly, none of us needs that.

Why Should Statements Can Be Toxic

Should statements by nature are subtly shaming. They are generally made in an attempt to motivate ourselves to do what we have been told we need to do in order to be good people. The subtext is that if we do not align our actions with our should statements then we are somehow bad, unworthy, ungrateful, or lazy.

The consequences of “shoulding” ourselves add up with time. Consistent should statements can take a toll on our senses of self and can feed more serious mental health challenges, like depression and anxiety.

How to Motivate Ourselves More Effectively

Many people fear that if they let go of “shoulds” then they will lose their edge, become complacent, and cease to grow. The idea that being harsh with ourselves is necessary if we are going to get things done is deeply rooted in our “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture. Research shows, however, that being critical or negative toward ourselves sends our bodies into a stress response, triggering increased blood pressure, cortisol, and adrenaline. None of us is terribly productive when we are in our fight or flight.

To motivate yourself more gently (and effectively), try connecting instead to your values and your ideas around what kind of person you want to be and what kind of life you want to live. Use these to dictate what action steps you do and do not take.

Getting in touch with our values might show us at times that whatever we are shoulding ourselves about isn’t actually that important to us. If this is the case, allow yourself to just let it go! For example, you might tell yourself that you should be trying to get a promotion. Yet when you check-in with your values and the kind of life you want to have, you realize work isn’t your biggest source of joy and you don’t want to invest more time and energy in it than you have to. Liberate yourself, then, from the pressure to pursue something that you don’t even want.

If your values check tells you though that something is important but it’s still hard to do, try modifying the language you are using with yourself. Maybe you value your relationships but struggle to be proactive in reaching out to family/friends. Rather than saying to yourself “I should call them today” (subtext: I am a bad person for not having reached out recently), try something like “It’s meaningful to me to show my friend/family member that I am thinking about them by reaching out. It will make me feel good to put a bright spot in their day.”

When to Seek Help

If you struggle generally with harsh, critical, or demeaning self-talk, self-love therapy can be a useful tool to help you start building a more affirming and nurturing relationship with yourself. For many, should statements become even more frequent and guilt-laden during the holidays, so contact me today if you could use some extra support this upcoming season.