A Better Way To Change
Every year many people set New Year’s resolutions and every year most of those resolutions fail. What gives? In general, I find that resolutions come from a place of feeling inadequate or not good enough. We perceive our New Year’s resolutions as solutions, the way to “fix” ourselves so we are finally good, worthy people.
But the truth is, we are already good, worthy people. We do not need to do anything to earn our inherent worth and value. We deserve all the good things in life, exactly as we are right now. Of course, it is still okay to want to evolve, grow, and try to become the best version of yourself. There is a big difference, however, between approaching self-growth work from a place of self-love vs. one of fear.
When we approach trying to change or grow from a place of fear that we are inadequate or unlovable, we are saying to ourselves that we are not enough as we are. This mindset is problematic because it is stressful to criticize ourselves, and stress can make us feel incapable, isolate ourselves, or engage with unhealthy coping mechanisms to self-soothe, all of which tend to move us further away from our goals.
Contrast this to approaching change or growth from a place of self-love. In this case, we embrace the “and” statement. We are both good enough as we are AND we choose to keep growing because we deserve to know the joy and confidence that come from discovering our own capabilities.
Let’s take the example of losing weight, a common New Year’s resolution. Many people come at the desire to lose weight from a standpoint of feeling unattractive, undesirable, unworthy of love, or like a failure. The underlying belief is that weight loss is the ticket to earning one’s right to feeling good about themselves. What ensues are generally harsh diet and exercise plans that are near impossible to sustain, followed by beating oneself up for being lazy or undisciplined when the plan is not adhered to exactly. Being hard on ourselves in this way creates stress, and that stress often leads us to turn to coping mechanisms that are counter to our goal, like overeating or zoning out in front of Netflix.
What if instead we embraced our beauty, grace, and worthiness exactly as we are. From here, wanting to lose weight is a self-loving act of caring for ourselves and giving ourselves gifts we deserve, like more energy, better stamina, or improved mood. If this were our outlook, we would probably be gentler and less punitive in the way we pursue our goal, and quick to forgive ourselves and refocus if we get off track.
Many of us are hesitant to love and accept ourselves as we are due to the belief that this will make us complacent and stagnant. I agree, however, with the noted psychologist Carl Rogers who once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This New Year, I invite you to embrace and celebrate yourself exactly as you are AND, if there are changes you would like to make, to do so because it is a pathway to accessing all the good things in life that you deserve. Need some help making sustainable change? Contact me today to get started.
