Why You Might Wait to Talk about Your Trauma
You know you have been through some traumatic things and have decided you want to go to therapy to address them. You go to your first therapy session expecting to share all about what you have experienced, but your therapist stops you short. What gives? Isn’t the point of therapy to talk about the trauma you have experienced in detail? Keep reading for some clarity on why your therapist might not have you talk about your trauma right away (or in some cases ever) when you come to therapy.
The Window of Tolerance
To make sense of why your therapist might have you go slowly when it comes to talking about your trauma, it is helpful to understand the window of tolerance, a concept originally described by Dr. Dan Siegel. As the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine notes, the window of tolerance refers to “the optimal zone of ‘arousal’ for a person to function in every day life.”
When a person is in their window of tolerance, they are able to regulate their emotions, balance thoughts and feelings, and take intentional action. When a person is above their window of tolerance (sometimes referred to as being hyperaroused), they experience their emotions as intense or overwhelming, feel out of control, and behave reactively. When a person is below their window of tolerance (sometimes referred to as being hypoaroused), they feel numb, withdrawn, disconnected, and unable to take action at all. Click here for a graphic representation of the window of tolerance.
How wide the window of tolerance is can vary from person to person. Individuals who have experienced trauma, however, often have windows of tolerance that are narrower than those of people who have not experienced significant trauma. The narrower that a person’s window of tolerance is, the less stress it takes to push them outside of it.
Some individuals who have experienced trauma are unable to think or talk about their trauma while staying within their window of tolerance. The stress of recalling these experiences causes them to become emotionally dysregulated or to shut down. Not only can this be a distressing experience to have, but it is also counterproductive to making progress in therapy. We are only able to effectively process trauma when we are firmly within our window of tolerance. Therefore, if your therapist suspects that talking about your trauma might make you exit your window of tolerance, they will have you slow down or hold off altogether until you are able to do so safely.
Expanding Your Window of Tolerance
There are a number of ways that we can make our windows of tolerance wider. If you are engaging in EMDR therapy, expanding the window of tolerance will be a major focus of your preparation work as doing so will allow you to engage in effective trauma reprocessing later on. Your therapist will work with you to identify and develop strategies that are effective for you. Some examples of tools or strategies you may try include:
Breathing exercises
Grounding exercises
Progressive muscle relaxation
Self-compassion practice
Yoga or other types of physical movement
Positive imagery exercises
With regular practice of tools that work well for you, you should notice your window of tolerance start to expand over time.
When You’re Ready to Talk about Your Trauma
You will know you are ready to start talking about your trauma in more detail with your therapist or other trusted people in your life when doing so no longer sends you into a state of hypo- or hyperarousal. This means that you can stay grounded in the safety of the present and neither feel yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed nor shut down.
Many people find it to be healing to be able to share about their trauma with trusted others. Disclosure can help people feel seen, supported, and less alone in their experiences. However, there are highly effective trauma treatments that do not require you to ever discuss your trauma in detail if you do not find it personally meaningful to do so. EMDR therapy is one example of such a treatment. It allows you to process and heal from traumatic experiences with minimal verbal discussion of the nature of those experiences.
Whether you ultimately decide that you want to be able to speak freely about trauma you have experienced or not, know that you will be best equipped to do so in a safe and non-triggering way if you spend time yourself or in the company of a therapist working to expand your window of tolerance. This work ensures that you do not become dysregulated and risk retraumatizing yourself unintentionally. Are you interested in having the support and guidance of an experienced and compassionate therapist as you do this work? Contact me today to get started.
