What Perfectionism Costs Us (and How to Embrace Good Enough)
Perfectionism - The tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.
-American Psychological Association, 2018
It is lovely to be diligent, hardworking, and to want to do a good job. These qualities, however, are not synonymous with perfectionism. Perfectionism is less about behavior and more about mindset. It is not so much that a person strives to achieve but rather that the striving is driven by an inner critic that tells the person they are never good enough.
How does perfectionism negatively affect our ability to find joy, meaning, self-worth, and satisfaction in life? And, if you identify as having perfectionistic tendencies, how can you start to release them? Some thoughts and actionable items follow.
Consequences of Perfectionism
Many people think of perfectionism as a positive trait, indicative of a good work ethic and strong moral character. The reality, however, is that perfectionism is relentlessly exacting and ultimately counterproductive. Some notable drawbacks of perfectionism include:
An unstable sense of self-worth. For a perfectionist, self-worth is reliant upon continuous accomplishment. Even when a perfectionist does achieve something, positive feelings about themselves tend to be short-lived and attention is quickly turned to the next goal. And, since it is impossible to achieve all the time, perfectionists are prone to feeling as though they are never good enough.
Increased risk of mental health issues. Perfectionism is associated with stress, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
Avoidance. Perfectionists deeply fear making mistakes and failure. Because of this, perfectionists often avoid trying new things, taking chances, or putting themselves out there due to the possibility of an undesirable outcome that could reinforce pre-existing feelings of shame and inadequacy. Avoiding anything with the potential for mistakes or failure, however, paradoxically impedes a perfectionist’s ability to be successful as making mistakes is essential to learning and growth.
Learning to Let Go
If you identify as a perfectionist and are ready to begin considering trying to make changes, below are a few thoughts to get you started.
Accept that perfectionism is not a superpower. You can’t let go of something that a part of you feels you need in order to be successful, lovable, safe, etc. Acknowledging that perfectionism is not the reason that you have good things in your life, and in fact might be an obstacle to growth, connection, and joy, is necessary to be able to work on it.
Be curious about how you came to be a perfectionist. Perfectionism is typically a learned way of being. Something or someone in your early life may have made you feel inadequate or as though you were only worthy of love or attention when you were achieving. Perfectionism, then, becomes a coping mechanism; a way of trying to keep shame at bay or of maintaining connection with important people whom you relied upon.
Understanding the roots of your perfectionism can help you to separate perfectionistic tendencies from your core identity, which can then make moving away from them feel less threatening.
Learn and practice self-compassion skills. Self-criticism is a core feature of perfectionism. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is the practice of being kind to ourselves even when we are struggling and is protective against depression and anxiety. See here for more information on how to intentionally practice self-compassion in daily life.
Experiment with imperfection. To a perfectionist, the stakes tend to feel very high. Making a mistake feels like it would be the end of the world, resulting in dire consequences like the loss of your job/professional respect or the people you care about no longer wanting to be in relationship with you. The reality, however, is that there is much more space for us to be human and imperfect than a perfectionist is able to recognize.
This is where behavioral experiments come into play. Purposefully require yourself to make a mistake, do less than what you feel is acceptable, or try something that you may not be good at. Examples could include sending an email with a typo, having someone over to your home when it is a little bit messy, or speaking up in class/a meeting without planning what you are going to say in advance.
Chances are high that you will see in doing so that there are minimal to zero negative consequences to not being perfect. The more experiences you have like this, the more your brain will be able to release anxieties that your career, relationships, and identity hinge on your ability to be perfect.
When to Seek Help
Perfectionism can be deep-rooted and hard to release. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-criticism endlessly driving you to do more and be better despite desiring to change, therapy can be a valuable tool to help you build the internal foundation of self-worth that is essential to the ability to move away from perfectionism. Contact me today to get started.
