The new year is a time when many people try to make changes, and often the driver behind this is a desire to be happier. It is completely okay and human to want to be happy, but actively pursuing happiness can have unintended consequences. Keep reading to learn more about why trying to be happy can actually make us less happy and what you can try instead to help cultivate more positive emotion this year.

The Paradox of Striving for Happiness

We tend to assume that focusing and working hard on a goal will lead to achievement of said goal. But this is not necessarily the case when the goal is to be happier. The reason? Research has shown that people who place a lot of importance on being happy tend to feel like they are failing if they are not happy. They interpret negative or uncomfortable emotions as problems that need to be fixed and can conclude that something is wrong with them if they can’t get rid of these emotions. The result is often stress and greater unhappiness.

Trying too hard to be happy can dovetail with a tendency to engage in toxic positivity. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, toxic positivity refers to a tendency to use optimism and positive thinking as means to get rid of painful emotions regardless of the context within which they are occurring. Toxic positivity is problematic in that stigmatizes appropriate, healthy experience and expression of a range of human emotion and again drives home the idea that a person is broken, ungrateful, or not trying hard enough if they can’t live in a state of constant good feeling.

What Actually Makes Us Happier?

We can absolutely still build our lives around practices that help foster happiness while not laser-focusing on happiness as the necessary end result. Some of these practices could include:

1.    Cultivating connection. A longitudinal study by Harvard has demonstrated that having close, warm relationships, more than any other variable, is what makes us happier and healthier over the course of our lifespan. Finding people who embrace you for who you are and intentionally pursuing regular, meaningful connection with them will make you happier.

2.    Developing realistic expectations around happiness. Many of us view happiness as a destination to be reached and one where we will remain once we have achieved it. Not so. Happiness, like any other emotion, comes and goes. Understanding this will allow you to savor happiness while it is present and not be hard on yourself when other emotions are dominant.

3.    Practicing kindness. Research demonstrates that our wellbeing is enhanced when we do kind things for others. Volunteering, offering support to friends, family members, or coworkers, or donating money to causes you believe in can support happiness.

4.    Resting and moving more. While simple, getting enough sleep and exercising regularly are two surefire things you can do to safeguard your mental health and enhance happiness.

Bear in mind that you could do all of these things and you still will not feel happy all the time. You are not doing anything wrong and there is not necessarily anything wrong with your life if happiness is elusive at times. Make space for yourself to be human and try to embrace the richness that a full spectrum of emotions has to offer us.

a final note

While no one is happy all the time, if you find that you are persistently sad, anxious, angry, or self-critical, you do not just have to endure. Therapy can be a helpful tool in shifting back into a state of greater emotional balance. Contact me today if you would like to learn more.