How to Talk about Your Feelings
You notice that you are having a feeling toward a person. Maybe it’s anger, or hurt, or disappointment. Whatever it is, it’s uncomfortable and you wish that it would just go away. Unfortunately, the feeling is not cooperative. You try ignoring it, suppressing it, or just telling yourself that you’re making a big deal out of nothing, and yet it persists. Perhaps there is another way. Perhaps it is worth considering…talking about it?
Many of us avoid expressing our emotions directly to other people. There can be a lot of reasons for this. Sometimes it is a fear that sharing an emotion will lead to conflict or will make the sharer seem “needy” or “dramatic.” Other times, it is a product of having grown up in a family that never discussed emotion or in a culture that emphasizes social cohesion over individual needs.
There are many valid and healthy ways to cope with emotion. If you feel, however, like keeping your emotions to yourself is holding you back or causing problems in your relationships, continue reading for some thoughts on how you can start opening up.
What Happens When We Don’t Talk about Our Emotions?
Many people think that keeping emotions to ourselves is a harmless habit. In some minor or one-off cases, this might be true. For most of us, however, consistently not expressing ourselves will have consequences over the long-term. Some examples include:
A buildup of resentment. The emotions we don’t express don’t just go away. Rather, they tend to grow and compound with each subsequent incident in which we are annoyed, hurt, or upset. Most of us can’t contain this buildup forever and it will ultimately boil over, with weeks or months of accumulated emotion coming out at once.
Acting out feelings in other ways. When we don’t express our emotions directly, they can sometimes make themselves known in other, less productive ways. For example, maybe you feel annoyed at your partner but rather than just telling them you ignore their texts for a few days. This type of behavior doesn’t give you the opportunity to resolve the underlying issue and can be damaging to relationships in the long-term.
Needs going unmet/boundaries getting crossed. Oftentimes our emotions toward other people stem from a need going unmet or a boundary being overstepped. People in our lives are often well-intentioned and want to meet our needs and respect our boundaries but don’t always know how. If we don’t give feedback, they can’t do better.
Feeling disconnected. Sharing our emotions with people we trust is a beautiful way to build intimacy. Denying access to our inner world, on the contrary, can make people feel distant and disconnected from us.
Perhaps you’re seeing the benefits of being more proactive and direct in expressing your emotions, but still feel anxious and unsure about how to do so well. Below are some ideas to help you get started.
Expressing Yourself Effectively
Conversations about our feelings do not have to be long or complicated. In fact, short and simple is better as it keeps your point clear and makes it easier to receive. Find a private time when neither you nor the person you will be sharing with has to be attending to anything else. Then, try using the “I statement” formula to keep the focus on yourself, what you’re feeling, and what you need and to avoid falling into the traps of criticizing or blaming. It goes:
“I feel x when you do y and in the future I would like you to do z differently.”
Some examples could include:
I feel unimportant when you are on your phone while I’m trying to talk to you. I really want to be able to connect, so in the future could we plan times to talk when we leave our phones in another room?
I feel stressed by how much money we have been spending lately. In the future, could we think about ways to still have fun that cost a little less?
I feel hurt that I am generally the one to reach out or try to initiate plans with you first. In the future, could you try to check-in with me or invite me to do things occasionally?
I feel frustrated when I am cleaning the house and you don’t offer to help. In the future, could we plan to divide chores so that we both have our parts?
You don’t control how the other person will respond to this, but you have done your part to be honest and forthcoming in a direct, kind, and respectful manner. Also, know that you may not be perfectly articulate the first many times that you have these types of conversations, and that’s okay! Talking about your emotions is a skill that many of us were never taught, and it takes time and practice to feel more comfortable.
Caveat on Emotional Safety
All of the above assumes that whoever you might be expressing your emotions to is a generally respectful and receptive person who wants to invest in your relationship. If a person has demonstrated through past words or actions that this is not the case, then I generally do not recommend that people keep trying to express their emotions to that person. If you are unlikely to be listened to, heard, or received with respect, then it is not an emotionally safe space for your authenticity and vulnerability.
Moving Forward
Talking about your emotions is simple in theory but oftentimes very challenging in practice. Getting into a habit of it, however, is a powerful way to put self-love into practice. Do you feel like you could use some support in starting to open up to others and be more genuine with how you are feeling? Contact me today to get started.
