Setting boundaries can be anxiety-provoking. Many of us fear that we will upset others or spark a conflict if we speak up for our needs. However, people are often more understanding than we assume they will be. Moreover, you and your needs deserve to take up space in your relationships; it is not our job to be all-giving and prioritize other people’s comfort over ourselves. Here are a few general principles to keep in mind to help your boundary-setting conversations be as smooth and productive as possible.

1.    Be direct. Oftentimes the anxiety or discomfort associated with speaking up for ourselves leads us to talk around what we are really trying to say rather than just state it directly. We may feel like this is a “softer” way of delivering our point. However, the result is often confusion for the other person in the conversation. They may not understand what it is that you are trying to communicate or ask for, and as a result the conversation is unlikely to produce the changes you desire. Remember, it is not rude or abrasive to be direct, clear, and firm. It saves time and emotional bandwidth for both sides.

2.    Be specific about what you need. Consider the difference between saying to your partner or roommate “I want more space” and “I want to have space for myself to decompress after work. I would like to spend 30 minutes by myself before we do anything together in the evenings.” The first statement leaves a lot open to interpretation, whereas the second makes very clear the change we want to happen.

3.    Don’t over-explain. Many of us feel the need to justify the boundary that we are setting. It can feel like our boundary is only valid if we can make other people understand exactly why we need it. Yet the more words that we say, the more opportunities we give people to misunderstand or dispute our reasoning. You do not owe an explanation of why you need what you need, and people can respect a boundary whether or not they understand the reasoning behind it. Simply state your boundary and leave it at that.

4.    Express gratitude. Thank the other person for hearing you out and for being willing to work with you so that you can both feel comfortable and cared for in your relationship.

5.    Be prepared to make it a repeat conversation. It would be lovely if we could ask for what we need once and have our boundary be forever respected, but unfortunately this is rarely the reality. We are all human, and despite our best intentions we can forget what people have asked of us or mindlessly fall back into old patterns. Try not to automatically interpret people not remembering or respecting your boundary as a sign that they don’t care and that things will never change as this can lead us to become resentful or give up prematurely. Rather, think of setting your boundary as the initial step and expect to have follow-up conversations as needed where you gently remind people of your boundary and ask them to be considerate of it.

Are you still finding that boundary setting is something you struggle with or avoid? Contact me today to help gain the skills and confidence you need to reclaim your time and emotional energy.