How Anxiety Can Stress Your Relationship (and What to Do about It)
Anxiety is hard on the individuals who experience it and can also be hard on their relationships. Below I note some common ways that anxiety can take a toll on relationships as well as some ideas for how to approach these issues in collaborative and constructive ways. While I focus particularly on romantic relationships in this post, note that these issues can manifest in any close relationship.
Stress Point: Seeking excessive validation or reassurance
Anxiety tends to make us doubt ourselves and makes it hard to trust our own perceptions. One way of dealing with this is by asking for reassurance or validation from those around us. For example, if you made a mistake at work, you might seek reassurance from your partner that you are not a bad/incompetent person, that your boss doesn’t hate you, that you’re not going to get fired, etc. Sometimes the validation-seeking might apply to the relationship itself, such as if you look for validation from a partner that they still love you, find you attractive, or aren’t going to leave.
We all look for validation from those close to us sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with this. Reassurance-seeking only becomes problematic if it is happening very frequently or repetitively. This creates a cycle whereby the person with anxiety never feels secure/comforted and their partner feels frustrated and as though nothing they say is right.
Solution: State what you need directly, and accept it when you get it
Again, we all need validation or reassurance sometimes and it is okay to ask our partners for it. Be mindful that you are making a direct and clear request rather than hinting at what you want without really saying it. This makes it easy for your partner to follow-through and ensures that you actually hear what you need to hear. For example, you could say to your partner “I am feeling stressed about this mistake I made at work today. It would be helpful if you could tell me that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s going to be okay.”
Once your partner gives you what you need, accept it and try to move on. It is tempting to believe that the more we hear something the more we will believe it, but this is generally not the case. Let your partner’s words really sink in, and then try to redirect your focus elsewhere.
Stress Point: Preoccupation with anxious thoughts makes you inattentive or forgetful
Anxious thoughts tend to hijack our attention and make it difficult to be present for who or what is in front of us. This is not the fault of the person with anxiety, but nevertheless can be hurtful for a partner who might feel uncared for, not listened to, or unimportant.
Solution: Communicate proactively with your partner about where you’re at and what you can offer
If your anxiety is high on a given day and you know that it’s going to be challenging for you to listen to your partner, complete tasks for the relationship, or spend quality time together, let them know as soon as you know. Giving your partner a heads up helps them set their expectations of you appropriately and therefore avoid hurt feelings or disappointment. It also helps your partner to not take your actions personally as they know that the way you are showing up has to do with where your anxiety is at, not with them.
Stress Point: Your partner becomes hesitant to make asks of you because they fear overwhelming you
Anxiety can be a heavy burden, and it can become the case that one partner stops or limits asking things of their partner with anxiety because they do not want to add to their load. This could include things like not asking for help around the house, not asking to go out and do things together, or not asking for needed emotional support. Though generally not harmful if this is a once in a while kind of thing, if this becomes a consistent pattern it can breed resentment and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Solution: Ask anyways, and do your best to receive it well
The partner who is not struggling with anxiety should continue to verbalize their needs in kind, respectful, and direct ways. Not doing so will lead to a buildup of resentment that can be confusing for the other partner as they are not a mind reader and cannot intuit what needs or wants they have failed to meet.
If you are the partner with anxiety, do your best to create a welcoming environment for your partner to express their needs to you even if you cannot meet them at that time. Thank your partner for communicating with you and acknowledge that their needs are valid. Try not to get defensive or to shut your partner down. If you do not have the bandwidth to meet a given need at that time, it’s okay to say no! Offer your no gently and if you can give your partner a sense of when in the future you may have the ability to work with them toward meeting that need.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
Anxiety can feel very isolating, especially if your partner or other people close to you do not experience anxiety and don’t really get what you’re going through. If you are having persistent difficulty showing up for or finding joy in your relationships because your anxiety is very high, it is not your fault. Anxiety can be a vicious beast, and you are doing the best you can to deal with it. Know, however, that you don’t have to continue to try to cope alone. Anxiety treatment can help you learn helpful and empowering ways of responding to or managing your anxiety so that it does not continue to burden you and put stress on your relationships. Ready to learn more? Contact me today to get started.
