Sexual trauma is a terrible, and unfortunately common, experience. According to the CDC, over half of American women and nearly a third of men have experienced sexual violence in their lifetimes. While the impacts of sexual trauma can vary depending on the person and a number of contextual factors, many people have difficulty with consensual physical intimacy in its aftermath. If this applies to you, know that it is absolutely possible to feel safe and experience pleasure from sex again.

How Sexual Trauma Can Affect Intimacy

It is important to note that not all survivors of sexual trauma will experience intimacy issues. If you do not feel as though your relationship to sex has changed or been impacted, trust your own perception of this.

Some people do find, however, that past trauma has unwanted effects on their relationships or ability to be sexually intimate. Therapist Wendy Maltz reports on ten ways this can happen. They are:

1. Avoiding or feeling fearful/uninterested in sex

2. Viewing sex as an obligation

3. Experiencing emotions like anger, disgust, or guilt with intimate touch

4. A lack of arousal or sensation during sex

5. Feeling emotionally disengaged or not present during sex

6. Experiencing intrusive thoughts/images related to sexual themes

7. Engaging in compulsive sexual behavior

8. Finding it difficult to start or maintain an intimate relationship

9. Vaginal pain or difficulty orgasming

10. Erectile issues or difficulties ejaculating

Past trauma is not the only cause of the above challenges. Yet if you do have a history of sexual trauma and persistent issues with one or more of these, then it may be the case that the trauma is an underlying cause.

One caveat – whether something is a problem or not is defined by the individual. So if, for example, you feel uninterested in sex but that doesn’t bother you, then there is no problem to fix. Only work toward change in areas where it is personally meaningful to you to do so.

Reclaim Joyful, Satisfying Intimacy

Your sexuality is yours and you deserve to express it and enjoy it however you please. Here are some starting points to help you move in that direction.

• Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. This likely sounds obvious but is worth pausing on. It is crucial that you feel in control of your body and what happens to it when working to heal the effects of sexual trauma. Do not pressure yourself into anything and give yourself permission to stop if something you thought you wanted is not feeling good in the moment. You do not owe sex to anyone.

• Communicate beforehand. Talk with your partner or partners before intimacy begins. Let them know what your boundaries are and how you are and are not okay with being touched. While you can disclose your trauma history if that feels right to you and you trust who you’re with, you certainly do not have to do so.

• Go slow. Gradually build from types of touch that feel less vulnerable/intimate to those that feel more so (this will vary person to person). Check in with yourself as you go. Are you still there, staying present in your body? Does everything feel okay physically? If yes, keep on. If no, pause what you’re doing. Take a break until you feel grounded and physically present, or let the experience be done for the time being.

• Practice mindfulness. Uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, or images may arise during intimacy. If they do, acknowledge them and then try to let them drift away while you refocus on some aspect of your present experience. It can be helpful to plan this out ahead of time, deciding how you will compassionately acknowledge (e.g. “I see/hear/feel you and understand why you are coming up, and I am safe in this moment.”) and what you will refocus on (e.g. sensations of physical touch, the smell of a scented candle, the sound of music playing, etc.).

Consider Trauma Therapy

If you continue to feel triggered during intimacy, trauma therapy can allow you to address the experiences at the root of your struggles so that they no longer have power over you. Contact me if you’re interested in learning more.