EMDR & GRIEF
Grief is a human experience that we are all but guaranteed to have. Death, loss, change, and transition are unavoidable parts of the human condition and grief is an appropriate and meaningful response to them. There is no “treatment” for grief; it is something we simply have to move through and learn to carry more gracefully with time. However, sometimes the grieving process gets stuck or interrupted. In these cases, EMDR can be highly beneficial in restoring the natural, fluid course of grief.
What EMDR Won’t Do
There is a saying among EMDR practitioners that EMDR does not take away appropriate emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, loneliness, fear, yearning, and many more are fitting and healthy emotions to experience in the course of the grieving process. EMDR is not going to alleviate these emotions. It is not a shortcut through the pain, discomfort, and disorientation of grief.
What EMDR Can Do
When blockages arise in the grieving process, EMDR can clear them out such that the grief process can proceed and progress. Common blockages include:
Guilt. Many people experience guilt in the aftermath of loss. Its sources are numerous but could include guilt about perceived incorrect decisions related to a person’s care at the end of life, guilt for not being more appreciative of a person while they were still alive, or guilt for feeling some measure of relief that a person is gone. Guilt may also take on a self-blaming note, particularly in the event of premature death. Guilt becomes problematic if it reaches such an intensity that the griever loses their ability to access any other emotions around the loss.
Traumatic images/memories related to the death. These could take many forms, including finding a deceased loved one, witnessing a loved one in a compromised state after an accident, or observing a loved one’s pain or decline in functioning in the case of chronic illness. It is possible for these images or memories to cloud out the griever’s ability to remember the fullness of their loved one’s life. The positive aspects of the person and their relationship with them can be overshadowed by the way their life ended.
A complicated relationship with the deceased. It can be challenging to know how to grieve when the person who has died is someone who was a source of hurt, pain, or disappointment, such as an abusive or neglectful parent. In these cases, a person might try to avoid the grieving process altogether or might become stuck along the way in emotions like anger or fear.
In all of these cases, EMDR is highly effective at creating more space around the emotion or experience that has become an obstacle to grief. This spaciousness may feel like acceptance, peace, forgiveness, understanding, or simply like distance. Whatever the experience, most people feel unburdened after EMDR therapy and able to carry their grief more easily.
How Do I Know if I Need EMDR?
It can be hard to discern healthy grieving from grief that has become stuck or complicated. Intense physical and emotional experiences are normal and expected in the aftermath of loss. The diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder, added to the DSM in 2022, offers some guidance to help make the distinction. Its symptoms include:
Inability to believe that the death has occurred
Difficulty resuming the normal rhythms of life, like spending time with others, reengaging with work and hobbies, and planning for the future
Emotional numbness
The loss of a sense of meaning in life
Intense loneliness
Unremitting emotional pain related to the death
Disturbance in identity, such as feeling like a part of yourself has died
This diagnosis has been controversial as some people feel that it pathologizes a normal part of the human experience. Knowing the characteristics of it, however, can be useful for evaluating whether additional therapeutic support, like EMDR, might facilitate a person’s ability to heal.
Ultimately, I defer to a person’s judgment. Any timeline for when a person should “feel better” after loss is arbitrary. Only you know how you’re feeling about yourself, your life, your future, and your deceased loved one. If something feels off, know that therapy is a tool available to you.
Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.
