In my work with clients, I witness time and again how feelings of jealousy are a source of self-criticism and even shame. We all seem to have it in our heads that jealousy is bad and that it says something negative about you as a person if you ever feel jealous.

I believe, however, that jealousy’s bad reputation is undeserved. Jealousy is a part of a normal and healthy spectrum of emotions, and, if we are open to listening to it, it can offer us rich information about our values, needs, and desires.

Is It Jealousy or Is It Envy?

First, let’s clarify some terms. Though jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, they actually have distinct meanings. Envy is the experience of wanting something that someone else has. Example situations where you could experience envy include a friend’s job promotion, amazing vacation, seemingly perfect relationship, or home purchase.

Jealousy, on the other hand, describes the threat we feel around losing someone or something of importance to us. Example situations where you could experience jealousy include your heterosexual partner having a good friend of the opposite sex, your child developing a close relationship with another adult, or your coworker outperforming you and getting positive recognition from your boss.

Discerning whether we are experiencing envy or jealousy is helpful as it gives us the ability to better process and respond to our emotions and the needs that underlie them.

Making Sense of These Feels & Using Them for Good

Too often I observe my clients attributing their envy and jealousy to a character deficit, viewing themselves as a mean, negative, ungrateful, or ugly person for having these feelings in the first place. Not only is this an unfair self-judgment, but it also deprives us of an opportunity to use the information these emotions offer us in service of building a more meaningful life.

Envy has a beautiful way of clarifying what we value in this life. We do not feel envious of others when they have or are doing something that has little importance to us personally. The presence of envy, then, is a flag to slow down, check-in, and be reflective around what aspect of the thing we are envious of resonates with us.

Sometimes, it might be what it appears at face value. If you have always longed to be a parent but have experienced fertility struggles, and then your best friend suddenly gets pregnant and has a baby, your envy is likely related to your friend’s parenthood and the ease with which they seemed to be able to have a child.

Other times, the source of envy is not the thing itself but rather what it represents. If you feel envious of a friend who ran a marathon, that doesn’t automatically mean you want to run marathons. Rather, it could indicate that you value something like challenging yourself, trying new things, or prioritizing your physical health.

Either way, acknowledging and being curious about the envy is empowering because it gives you the ability to take intentional action steps that are aligned with what you care most about. In the parenthood example, perhaps the envy leads you to seek out therapy or a support group so you feel held and understood as you continue to pursue this path. In the marathon example, the envy could serve as motivation to take on a new hobby, do something that scares you, or recommit to regular exercise.   

Jealousy, for its part, illuminates our points of insecurity and thereby offers an opening to engage in more effective self-care and deeper healing work. Let’s say you feel jealous when your partner goes out with friends and has fun without you. That jealousy could indicate that you have insecurities around not being attractive/funny/interesting/smart enough to maintain your partner’s interest.

Now you understand the root of what you’re experiencing and can effectively address it. You can be kind to yourself amidst this insecurity (if this is a foreign practice, see here for a starter guide). You can create a self-care plan for what you will do to positively occupy yourself while your partner is out with friends. You can ask your partner for quality time to connect on a regular basis so you feel more secure in the place you have in their life. You can seek therapy to work on healing the parts of you that feel not good enough.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You

Truly. Feeling envious or jealous is a part of the human experience. When we go towards these emotions with acceptance and curiosity rather than suppress, distance, or shame ourselves for them, we have the opportunity to increase self-awareness and use it to build our best lives. Struggling to translate the information your emotions are offering you into effective action? Contact me today for support.