We all know that boundaries are important and can even be a tangible way to practice self-love. But what even is a boundary and how do we figure out what ours are? A boundary is a way of defining what you can and cannot offer to and what you will and will not accept from other people. Different people have different boundaries, and it can be transformative to be in touch with what yours are so you can build your life and relationships with them in mind. Below I will offer a simple process to help you start to identify what your boundaries are.

But first, let’s normalize. This is often HARD. Women are generally raised and socialized to be nice and pleasant to others even at the expense of our own comfort. As a result, we often grow up not understanding our own needs or thinking that they are not valid or important enough to speak up for. We must do some unlearning of these tendencies to develop awareness of our authentic needs and to give ourselves permission to set the boundaries that serve them.

A good way to start is by simply tuning into your emotions as they have tremendous wisdom to offer. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, resentful, frustrated, or upset, that is a good indication that a boundary of yours is likely being crossed. Let yourself work backward. Examine the happenings in your life leading up to this present emotion, and ask yourself if there are any ways in which you overcommitted yourself, allowed others to treat you in a way that did not feel loving or respectful, or said yes to something when you really wanted to say no. This will tell you where the opportunity was to have a boundary.

For example, perhaps you observe that you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted at the end of your workday. You reflect back, and you remember that a colleague asked you to squeeze in a last-minute meeting. You said yes, even though you already had a busy day and several other meetings. The opportunity for a boundary in this instance was to tell your colleague no or to propose a different day/time that would have been easier on your schedule. You can now use this insight to guide your future planning and decision making. Maybe you make a general rule for yourself that, when it is in your control, you schedule no more than three meetings for yourself in a day or that meetings must be scheduled at least 48 hours in advance.

As you engage in this brave work of learning about yourself, try to maintain an attitude of openness, acceptance, and kindness. It is easy to slip into self-judgment and comparison, and people often find themselves feeling like they are being needy, weak, or “too much” when they acknowledge their need for boundaries. Just remember, your needs are valid, even if they differ from those of the people around you, and you deserve to have the boundaries you require to fulfill them.

Once you know what your boundaries are, the next step is to put them into action. See here for a break down of what this can look like in practice.