The concept of trauma dumping has become increasingly talked about over the past few years. It refers to the oversharing of traumatic experiences or other stressful emotional content with others.

Trauma dumping can be harmful to the people on both sides of it. The person who is dumping is often not getting their needs met and the person who is being dumped on can experience feelings of helplessness, overwhelm, anxiety, or resentment that persist beyond the end of the dumping session.  

Signs of Trauma Dumping

Sharing something of a personal or emotional nature with another person does not automatically mean you are trauma dumping. There is a difference between problematic trauma dumping and relatively harmless venting or healthy seeking of emotional support around life’s challenges. Trauma dumping is:

• One-sided. Generally, the person who is dumping is going on at length about what they have experienced or are struggling with while the person who is on the receiving end does not get the opportunity to also talk about their stressors.

• Without boundaries. A person who is trauma dumping is not taking into consideration the setting, the amount of time they are taking up, or the emotional capacity of the person who is listening.

• In search of validation and sympathy. When a person is trauma dumping, they are not interested in exploring solutions or figuring out their role in the issues they are describing. They are wanting the other person to operate as a bottomless well of affirmation.

Venting, on the other hand, is a time-limited, one-time (or at most a small handful of times) release of emotions related to a particular topic. Venting is mutual, meaning both people in the conversation have the ability to vent and receive support or validation from one another. Both people walk away from the interaction feeling heard and like they were able to let go of some pent-up frustration.

Seeking emotional support can, on its face, have some similarities to trauma dumping. For example, the focus might remain more on the person in need of support and their issue, particularly if it is a serious one like the breakup of an important relationship or a past trauma being triggered. There are a number of key differences, however, between healthy support seeking and trauma dumping. They include:

• Consideration of the other person/the context. You only seek support from those you have an established, trusting relationship with. You are mindful of what that person has going on in their life and do not ask for more than what they can offer. You look for appropriate times to talk about your struggles and do not demand support at times that it would be difficult or stressful for the person to provide it.

• A diversified support system. You do not look to one person alone to meet your needs for emotional support. Rather, you have a number of people/outlets you utilize so that no one person is overburdened.

• Returning the favor. The next time a person who has supported you is going through something, you show up for them in the same way they have showed up for you.

What To Do If You’re the Dumper

If you’re reading this and experiencing the sinking feeling that you might be a person who trauma dumps, I want you to start with self-compassion. The need to be seen and to feel emotionally supported is a human universal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for trying to get your emotional needs met. Your way of going about it is just not the most effective at the moment.

You can take steps to repair any harm to your relationships that past trauma dumping might have caused and to start engaging in relationships in healthier ways. They could include:

• Taking accountability. Apologize to anyone you know you have trauma dumped on and for the negative impacts your actions have had. Thank them for being patient with you and inform them of how you plan to do better in the future.

• Being more intentional. Match the extent of your self-disclosure to the depth of the relationship. What is appropriate to tell your best friend may not be appropriate to tell your coworker or seatmate on an airplane. Further, make sure that you take the time to ask the other person how they are doing and give them a chance to share about their stresses as well.

• Asking before telling. Before diving into emotional content, check-in with the other person. Ask if they have the capacity to hear about whatever it is that you want to discuss. If their answer is “no,” respect the no by not saying/doing things that will make them feel as though they’re doing something wrong by having a boundary.

• Seeking therapy. Therapy is the place to go if trauma dumping is a struggle for you. Through participating in trauma therapy, like EMDR, you will address the experiences at the root of present pain and free yourself of the need to repetitively talk about it.

What To Do If You’re Being Dumped On

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable by what someone is sharing with you, unequipped to offer the kind of support a person needs, or anxious about another person’s issues, or frustrated/resentful that you are being asked to carry them, you may be on the receiving end of trauma dumping. It is important that you set boundaries to protect your own emotional energy and wellbeing. These boundaries can sound like:

• “I appreciate that you feel safe to talk about these things with me. I want to make sure you get the kind of support you really need, and I know that I am not qualified to provide that. Have you sought out therapy?”

• “I can tell this is important to you and I really want to give it the attention it deserves. I have a really busy day at work today and am not going to be able to talk. I will plan to call you tomorrow instead.”

•  “I would love for you to know more about me and what is going on in my life. I will try to share more proactively, and it would mean a lot to me if you asked me more questions about what I’m up to.”

If a person is unreceptive to these boundaries or consistently unable to respect them, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Whatever side of this equation you find yourself on, I am here to help if you are feeling stuck. Whether it is trauma healing work, boundary setting skills, or learning to get more out of your relationships, contact me today if you would like to discuss how I can offer support.

Please note: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed mental health provider or other healthcare professional for guidance related to your specific mental health or medical concerns.