When we feel nervous or anxious about something, it is our natural human tendency to try to avoid thinking about or doing whatever that thing is. Feel anxious about going to a party where you don’t know many people? Maybe you decide that you are too tired to go. Feel anxious about an upcoming test you have to take? Maybe you put off studying and clean your house instead. Feel anxious about flying? Maybe you delay that vacation so you don’t have to get on an airplane.

You get the picture. We all avoid, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in more significant ones. Why is this such a universal coping mechanism and is it a healthy one? Keep reading to find out.

Why Do We Avoid?

Urges to avoid are a function of our fear system which tries to protect us from perceived or actual threats. Early in human history, avoidance was very helpful in ensuring survival. For instance, if a person ate some berries and then became very ill, their brains would form an aversion to those berries and they would avoid eating them again in the future. Avoidance in this case is good; it protects that person from the risk of being poisoned.

Fast forward to modern times, and avoidance can still at times be helpful. Let’s say you are camping and a bear comes in the middle of the night and wrecks your campsite. You get lucky and are unharmed, but you will likely avoid camping in this same spot again in the future. That’s probably a good thing. Bears are scary and can seriously mess us up.

Avoidance starts to become limiting, however, when it is overgeneralized or when it is in response to a threat that is more perceived than real. Staying with our camping example, if you were to never go camping again because of your experience with the bear that would be an example of overgeneralization. Many areas don’t have bears, so avoiding camping altogether is not actually necessary to ensure your safety.

Or, let’s say you are anxious about public speaking or going on first dates. These are nerve-wracking situations that can trigger a fear response in our brains but don’t generally pose a threat to our safety. Therefore, avoidance in these types of situations can be unhelpful. It can narrow our lives and diminish opportunities to advance professionally or to form meaningful relationships.

The Cycle of Avoidance and Worsening Anxiety

So why do we keep avoiding even when it isn’t serving us? In short, because it works (at least in the moment). Let’s say you have a first date scheduled but are feeling very anxious about it so you decide to cancel. The immediate emotion you will likely feel is relief. This instant reduction in anxiety reinforces the avoidance; we learn that if we don’t do the thing we feel better, so we are more likely to avoid it again in the future.

The problem is that many things in life that we may want to avoid don’t go away. And the longer we put them off, the more our anxiety tends to grow and the harder it becomes to follow-through in the future. If you want to have a partner, you will eventually have to date. But if you haven’t gone on a date in three years, it’s probably going to feel pretty darn intimidating. Other examples of things that many people feel anxious about and tempted to avoid include:

• Giving a presentation in class or at work

• Looking at your bank account to understand your financial picture

• Applying/interviewing for better jobs

• Making new friends or trying new activities

• Advocating for yourself/speaking up for your needs

You could theoretically avoid all of these things temporarily, but the consequence of avoiding them long-term could be missing out on opportunities for joy, connection, professional fulfillment, or other experiences of personal value.

Is it Avoidance or Listening to My Needs?

Sometimes the urge to avoid reflects an unmet need. For example, you may want to cancel plans with a friend because you are tired, had a stressful day at work, or are craving some alone time. This is perfectly valid, and I encourage you to listen to the information your emotions are offering you.

However, if you start to notice a consistent pattern in what you are staying away from, it is worth asking if it is still genuine self-care or if it is starting to veer into anxiety-based avoidance. For example, if you notice that you have cancelled on your friends the last five times you made plans with them, perhaps this is more about not having to face social situations where you feel anxious than about needing alone time.

Checking in with your values and how you feel after the fact can be helpful guideposts. If you value your friendships, being present for friends, or sharing meaningful experiences with friends, repeatedly cancelling plans does not reflect this and therefore your actions might point more toward avoidance than self-care.

Moreover, ask yourself how you feel the day after the cancelled plans (or whatever else you avoided doing). If you feel calm and rejuvenated, then you were probably listening to your needs – good job! But if you feel uneasy or like you missed out, this may be a sign that anxiety was in the driver’s seat.

How to Overcome Avoidance

Overcoming unhelpful avoidance so you can lean fully into living life is absolutely possible, though it takes time and can be uncomfortable. Anxiety therapy can be an invaluable tool in helping you gain the skills and support system you need to be successful in this work. Do you think you could benefit from having the encouragement of a therapist to help you accomplish action steps that might otherwise feeling daunting? Contact me today to get started.