Have you ever found yourself apologizing when someone else bumped into you? Or apologizing for asking someone for assistance? Or perhaps apologizing for how someone else is feeling, even if you are in no way responsible for those feelings? Being too quick to jump to the words “I’m sorry” is a common habit. Women in particular are socialized to be nice and polite and can therefore tend to default to apologizing to smooth over awkwardness or tension in a variety of situations. Breaking this habit can be empowering in many ways, though challenging to accomplish.

Why Does It Matter?

On the surface, over-apologizing can seem like a fairly benign habit. Who are we really hurting after all by just saying sorry? The short answer is that in many cases we are hurting ourselves.

Every time that we apologize when it is unwarranted, we are taking ownership of something that does not really belong to us. Though the burden of individual examples of this may be small, the burden quickly compounds if over-apologizing is a regular practice.

Moreover, apologizing unnecessarily makes a statement about ourselves to ourselves and to others. It’s essentially a way of saying “it’s not okay for me to take up space in this world.” That space could be literal, like if you apologize because you need to ask someone to move out of your way, or figurative, like if you apologize for making a small request for help.

Lastly, over-apologizing can send negative messages to others about what kind of treatment you will accept. Apologizing for things that you are not really responsible for or for having reasonable emotions or needs teaches others that they can blame you for things that aren’t under your control or ignore or marginalize your emotions and needs. Apologies send a message of “I will not challenge you,” and some people will take advantage if they sense that they can.

When It Is Appropriate to Apologize

This post is not meant to suggest that all apologies are bad. On the contrary, being able to recognize, own, and apologize when we are in the wrong is necessary for having healthy, fulfilling relationships. Our apologies will have much more impact, however, if we save them for the situations where they are fitting and genuine.

So how do we know what those situations are? Any time that you cause real harm or pain to another person, whether intentional or unintentional, is an apt occasion for an apology. There are two key pieces here. The first is that you are the one who is actually responsible for the negative effects on another person through your own words, actions, or inactions. There is no need to apologize on behalf of other people or when whatever a person is going through has nothing to do with you. 

The second is to recognize that sometimes in the course of living your life and appropriately verbalizing or acting on your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, wants, or needs, other people will have feelings. For example, if a friend asks you to dinner and you say no because you are tired or otherwise not up for it, your friend may feel disappointed. You do not need to apologize for that. Or if you disagree with a colleague in a meeting or offer a contrary idea, your colleague might feel hurt or embarrassed. You do not need to apologize for that either. So long as you are taking care to express yourself with kindness and respect, you are not responsible for the feelings that might come up for other people in the course of you doing what you need to do to be authentic to yourself.

How to Break the Habit

 Are you ready to let go of unnecessary apologies? Here are a few tips to get you started:

1.    Develop awareness. Start by just paying attention. Observe yourself for a week without trying to change anything yet. Just notice when and in what kinds of situations you tend to apologize.

2.    Differentiate appropriate from inappropriate apologies. Use the guidance above to help with this process. Note common themes of situations in which you tend to needlessly apologize, such as having to tell people no or causing small inconveniences to other people.

3.    Identify alternate responses. For each of the themes you identify in step 2, think of a different way you could respond in the future. Sometimes, you can simply omit the “I’m sorry” without changing anything else. For example, if someone makes an ask of you that you can’t or don’t want to fulfill, you can just say “I won’t be able to do that.” In other cases, “thank you” can be a lovely substitute for “I’m sorry.” For example, if you are running a few minutes late for a meeting, you could say “Thank you so much for your patience” in place of “I am so sorry I’m late.”

4.    Practice! It will take time to break the habit of over-apologizing and there will probably be many slip-ups along the way. That’s okay! Be kind to yourself on these occasions and see if you can use them as learning opportunities so you can handle similar situations more gracefully in the future.

In summary, only apologizing when it is appropriate and meaningful to do so is a beautiful way of practicing self-respect and self-love. If you’re finding that the over-apologizing habit is a hard one to break, let me help you get there.