I work with many of my clients on cultivating a foundation of self-love so they feel empowered to pursue the lives they want for themselves. I repeatedly find, however, that a major obstacle to reaching a stable place of self-acceptance and self-love is feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, or in a state of struggle with one’s physical body.

Many people feel undeserving or like they can’t access self-love until they modify their body to fit a standard that society deems acceptable. In this post, I will offer an alternate perspective: that self-love doesn’t stem from having some kind of idealized body but that it actually results when we just accept our bodies as they are.

What’s Wrong with Trying to Change My Body?

I will first outline some of the negative impacts I have observed in my clinical practice of the feeling that one’s body needs to or should be changed and/or actual efforts to realize these changes. I will preface this section, however, by saying that your body is yours. You have the right to do with it whatever feels right and authentic to you, and it is not my place to make these judgments for you.

If you’re feeling open to considering ways in which efforts at changing our bodies, particularly through weight loss, may be more harmful than helpful, here are a few thoughts:

• Research strongly supports the notion that diets do not work. While many people are successful at losing weight initially, the large majority of people who diet regain all of the weight they lost and then some. Yet I find that when people do not experience or sustain the weight loss they would like, they don’t blame the diet for not working but rather blame themselves for not being “disciplined” enough. This self-blame often creates shame and guilt and can strengthen the belief that we are unworthy of love.

• Much of the size, shape, and appearance of our bodies is determined by genetics and beyond our control. We are therefore expending time and energy in a losing battle to try to make our bodies into something they simply don’t want to be.

• There is often no end to the deficit mindset when it comes to physical appearance. People think they will be happy when they reach a certain weight, for example, but more often than not if they reach that weight they just find something else to fixate on (losing even more weight, toning/adding muscle, etc.). It’s like being stuck on a treadmill; no matter how hard we work we still don’t get any closer to actually feeling good about ourselves.

• Many people who are trying to change their bodies find that they become preoccupied with food and/or exercise. They are flooded with thoughts about what they should eat, when they should eat, how they ate too much, how much they can “get away” with eating if they plan to exercise later, and so on. These thoughts make it very difficult to be present and to focus on or enjoy other aspects of life.

• Dissatisfaction with one’s body can lead people to deny themselves the opportunity to do or pursue what they want in life. For example, people might put off travel because they can’t comfortably fit in an airplane seat or not date because they fear potential partners won’t be attracted to them until they lose weight. We miss out on a lot of precious time and experience when we make shrinking our bodies a precondition of living life.

To summarize, efforts to change our bodies, particularly through weight loss, are generally unsuccessful and often even counterproductive, make us feel badly about ourselves, occupy our valuable time and energy, distract from other important pursuits, and can impede our ability to live well and fully. Yikes.

The Other Path: Body Acceptance

So what is the alternative to treating our bodies as constant works in progress with our self-worth contingent upon making them look a certain way? I propose that it is leaning into body acceptance or neutrality. According to the Cleveland Clinic, body neutrality is a stance of focusing on what our bodies can do rather than on how they look and working to cultivate an attitude of acceptance and respect for our bodies and their many functions.

Many people are familiar with the body positivity movement, which encourages us to embrace, celebrate, and love all types of bodies. I think that body positivity is a beautiful perspective that works for some. However, I find that for many of my clients it is too big of a jump to go from hating their bodies to loving their bodies, and that they often feel badly about themselves if they can’t make this jump. That’s why I advocate for body neutrality. You don’t have to love your body if that feels ingenuine, you can just work toward dropping the struggle with your body and putting into perspective that it is only one small part of who you are.

I want to acknowledge how challenging it can be to accept our bodies and stop trying to change them in a culture that prizes thinness and tells us that having a small body is the key to health, love, and happiness (note: it’s not). With that said, it can be incredibly helpful to have a community of supportive people to uplift you in this work, including an affirming therapist. You deserve to be liberated from body shame and to have access to your own love and kindness. Contact me today if you would like some support on this journey.